Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You Might Also Like
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday