Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.