being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
White Castle for the Win
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell