Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
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Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
sin harder.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?