Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You Might Also Like
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.