My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
How to make infinite energy.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
when mom throws a party…
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.