I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
dream blunt rotation
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Simple enough.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”