Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
It was worth a shot 😂
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me