Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The Onion called it…again.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST