[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet