Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Yes, but it was never about money
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Dead
Alive
Other✔