first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
You Might Also Like
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life