The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Don’t talk down to me
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
those birds must be on payroll
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
HELP 😭
😂💯
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.