Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You Might Also Like
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
hey, alexa
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.