@shadygrenade *stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
@causticbob There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
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@shadygrenade 
@Alex_but_online [Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
@eddiesnextwife 911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
@ch000ch [i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
@Truculent67 Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
@brennadine My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
@OneyeBogey Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
@david8hughes Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
@MomofTeen Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
@noog Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.