Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
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welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.