The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*