Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Cha-ching is my safe word
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious