Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You Might Also Like
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Ha
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel