now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Y’all know who you are.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor