Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
early stone age tool
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this