satan: not today, microsoft teams
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Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO