Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
An odd boast
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim