*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*