Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
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Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.