If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Running from your problems is cardio .
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.