You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss