“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.