They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
🏙👨🏼
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.