5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I can’t stop laughing at this
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta