no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Breaking news:
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.