I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)