FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works