If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey