It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.