Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches