okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
#parenting
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Please do it!
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.