Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher