When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My whole life was a lie.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.