Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows