Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
What?!?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.