[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works