Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You Might Also Like
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.