@AngieDavisHaha Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
@JimmerThatisAll “Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
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@AngieDavisHaha 
@noog Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
@Book_Krazy Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
@rickkondell It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
@doctorveritas “I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
@ClassicMegan Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
@Professor_Ryan Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
@yungfedora *hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
@ozzyunc The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
@david8hughes Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.