“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”



You Might Also Like


Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?


Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.


Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.


Him: Fishing


It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.


“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”


Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.


Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”





*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*


The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”


Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.