This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
why no one uses midhusbands
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
pat pat
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials