honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
opening twitter today
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin