Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.