Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
This is me 🤣🤣
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
This meal prepping shit easy
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Name another movie that mislead you?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle