literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
You Might Also Like
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION