[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.