a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
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Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
we’re dead?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.